There is already 3 death for this year. From usually no death per year to 3 death from cancer this year. And right now, my grandmother in Penang is in critical condition. Not from cancer, but from kidney and liver failure. Doctor said she has only weeks left...maximum. When she was down with kidney failure first...she did ask my mum if I am coming back SOON from Australia to see her.
So much is in my mind, and I know I have absolutely no rights to claim that I am much of a grand daughter of hers. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PICTURE WITH HER! I visit her once a year only in Penang usually, during second day of Chinese New Year.
If it's more than once, it's always when she got hospitalised for injuries or my cousin's wedding. I realised I never visit her for the sake of bonding time. Life sucks when it takes too late for you to realise things...things you ought to do.
When I was in Penang a week ago, I remembered how much she tried to converse with me...but I ended up replying her in bits and pieces..because I don't really understand her Teochew. I really tried..cracking my brains in the dark to find things to reply her, talk to her...but my mind just went blank. I still remember she asked if I am feeling hot or not..as the air conditioner isn't on too high for she is afraid of the cold. She still cares ALOT about my wellbeing. I've always wanted to hold her hand, asking her if she is feeling better , but I was too shy. Foolishly shy.
Early this year, she was still able to talk, and even walk albeit with the help of a walking stick. It took only 1 year, to change that fact, leaving her all bedridden. I really hope to go Penang as soon as possible, to visit her...to show her Eddie, the guy who might be my life partner and get her blessings before it is too late.
All the tears I shed are not crocodile tears. I am honestly sad and worried. I am still related to her in every way, through blood and through flesh. It hurts, regardless of those little times we spent together. Every time someone I know passes away, even if it is just someone I barely know but I met them before...it cuts the flesh of my soul inside, knowing that there won't be another time that I can get to know them. My heart somehow just feels the ache. I am sensitive, it doesn't matter.
I am very paranoid.Every time my mother's handphone rings...I panic, asking her anxiously who is that. Hoping its not bad news.
This weekend might be my earliest chance.
Please let her live with a conscious mind, to take what I have to say to her. Please let me have at least a picture with her, smiling if it is not too much to ask for. Let me hold her hand and have at least a conversation that flows. Let me get to know her side of her story, rather than her knowing mine only all the time. Let me give her something small that she can carry with her, wherever she go..
Last but not least...let her live long enough ...to see how pretty her shop has change especially after when it is done renovating (A.S.A.P please)...after CNY , too, if it is possible.
I'm in desperation.
No comments:
Post a Comment