LDR sucks.

How long can we withstand the distance, I do not know.

But I know that...things will only get harder.

=(

http://www.tnp.sg/content/they-died-play

................................................................................................................................

I don't know why but I kinda miss him.

I know that should he still be alive, we'll only continue to be in touch as Facebook friends or msn friends. Or who knows, maybe 20yrs later if he decide to move to Malaysia or me to Singapore, we could've meet half way and become better friends ?

During uni days, we were merely friends from the same club. Honestly, we don't really hangout outside uni, unless its someone's bday or housewarming (which happened like once on both occasions). That also, out of those 2 times, that one time... I was soooo freakin late (as usual) and I didn't get to see him. 

BUT , I received a text msg (from his gf) saying he wanted to see me actually, weird huh. Like I suddenly received an sms from an unknown number that says "jw was looking fwd to see u actually", and I had to go through people's phonebook to find out who is it, and turns out it's his gf's number. Dont ask me bout their rship, like kinda dysfunctional or maybe it's just some prank. But his gf did that kinda stuff couple of times edi !!! 

Anyway I am writing this down not to self promote, but in hopes that I will remember this and also the feelings I felt losing him as a friend. 

I know u geddit, this guy thinks I am attractive...but hardly ever anyone thinks so, or at least, confront me and tell me straight to my face. Or at least theres NO other person who's labeled as "the guy who calls Michelle chio all the time". People around me, calls him as that. When I was about to break the news to Eddie regarding his death, I asked Eddie if he remembers him, he's like "ohhhh the guy who always call u chio one right"

Because with every compliment I get, there are always people who will also point out my flaws, like I am too tall, big boned, hunched, big cheek bone, the list goes on. Like "u're pretty but a bit too big size". -___-

But when it comes to him, he made me feel special ? Regardless of how shitty I looked, he never said anything. And d'u know, I am actually taller than him also? But he never said anything about me being gigantic, or implied anything along those lines.

But flashes of memories when I think of him was more towards our first impression. He was my treasurer's housemate. So went to my treasurer's house to have meeting, and thats when I first saw him. He was cooking lunch ie. noodles + tofu + fish cake + abc sauce + many other seasonings !!! And he cooked really a lot !!! So he offered my friends and I, with his smiley face. And we just met for the first time...he doesn't mind sharing same chopsticks with us !!! :O 

Well as usual, I didn't eat it. Sighhhh ! I have a bit phobia sharing things, esp food with people, except my bf of course. Sometimes I force myself to share just so that people won't feel rejected.

And since that first meeting, I see him more often during my club events, meetings and activities....

Maybe, because he passed away at such an early age, that I feel extra sad for him, and felt horrible. Horrible that life had been too unfair to him. Not only that, since I knew him before, could I have done something/anything to make him happier in this world before he left? Learnt from someone that his family background isn't really a happy one. 

Went to his funeral couple days back at Singapore (wed29/2 - thur 1/3). He look really handsome in his funeral pic :) In his ivory white casket, he was wearing a suit. Even in death, his face was smiling, not with teeth of course. 

Sigh. Its quite sad actually, to lose a friend that u have some special memories with. How much more in future, if I were to lose more? Not cursing anyone, just saying. Who knows I'll die first? Who'll be sad? Who did I made feel special? Did I do anyone wrong? Will the person who hates me, forgive me or curse me all the way down to hell? Will anyone miss me? Who'll feel my loss? 

But I will stay alive for as long as possible, for the sake of my parents. My friend's mom can barely stand, and was hysterical. Not saying shes insane, saying that the pain of losing a child is so intense...that it make your knees weak by the sight of his/her funeral picture. The "funny" thing was... I was the only person (along with my bestie) who saw his real mother. Other friends saw his stepmom and thought its his real mother, and thought his family members were all doing alright (not many people know about his family background).

I know as we grow older, there will be more of these to come. Heck, just 2 days ago, my friend's sis' bf passed away, and he also just graduated and came back from Melbourne, for good.

Life is extremely fragile. Whoever who said that human body is actually powerful and capable of many things we think are impossible, u're FXXXing wrong. This week itself, I heard of like what, 4 deaths? My friend, friend's sis' bf, friend's cousin...and my friend's place in Singapore that I stayed at, had 1 funeral in the building. 

Thats too many deaths to hear about in 1 week. 

Stop dying !!! 

R.I.P...

Just lost a friend. Although we're not that close, but close enough to feel the pain.

He's the definition of a fun uni life. He's one of the ONLY FEW guys who made me feel attractive. He is from Singapore, hence he's the first person who calls me "chio" (find the definition yourself!).

Always call me "chio" in sight, during my club events, he was there to help...even with specks looking really stressed up cause of the preparation of club events, he'll tell me I am "chio".

During one of another committee's birthday, I wore this "happy birthday" specks, he was sitting right opposite me, and shouted "WOW really so chio lah you".

Sometimes even his gf (yeah he has a gf) sms me saying her bf thinks I am chio.

Once we chatted on msn until 4am.

You are too sweet (especially your mouth), it may all be white lies... but a lot of people like to be reminded that they're pretty (no one's ugly unless your personality suxx).

Well, those are the only few memories of you and I. And also u with your camera, snapping pictures and candid of me all the time especially (during events)!!!

Well , it was fun while you were here.

See you at your wake. I think you're worth it.










 (Last pic my face kena blocked)

And loads more events ...

Sigh , I know I threw him the cold shoulder cause I feel uneasy when people compliment me head on/face to face.

So, see ya real soon !

The future.

Been spamming my Twitter this whole day. Been feeling extremely emotional. Thought to just write it here, than affect other people/friends who are following me. Don't know if they even bothered reading anyways.

Initially I wrote "If you want me to stay,  offer me something that no one else can. All I ask for is stability loyalty happiness". But deleted it. Should spare people from seeing my tweets like almost 10x today already.

Honestly, I really don't mind a future of us here in Australia. Lifestyle at the moment is good. Earning money weekly, and can afford almost anything I want at the moment by just working 1 week.

Only thing is, I love and miss my family back home, but what can I say ? A partner is someone who will be with you for the rest of your life, not your parents.  Parents will go one day when the time comes, and so I have to open my big eyes to choose a partner that will stick on.

Not that I am ditching my parents. I WILL take care of them wholeheartedly, sincerely and with every might that I have. As long as I am living, I will do whatever it takes, whenever they need help or don't need help, if I am there, I will volunteer to save them from ANY form of hassle.

Sigh. What a life.
Stuck between a boyfriend who loves me wholeheartedly and wants me in Australia, and my parents who love me unconditionally.

How to choose? I've met a good guy, but I can't seem to digest the idea of seeing my parents once or twice a year. I don't know.

1 year ago, I have to make a decision but decided that I need more time.., 1 year later, I am still stuck in the exact same position.

Why am I so indecisive? Why is it so hard? Which will be the best decision? How do I deal with separation with either one of them ?

4 years ago, when Eddie was stuck in Malaysia, and almost got banned from Australia, I prayed to God, telling Him that I really need him (then) in Australia, and I will deal the other tough challenges after I graduate (Eddie has always have plans staying in Australia & I have always wanted to go home).

Time just flew and now, 4 years later...when the time has come it is indeed FXXXing tough...considering the fact that we've spent almost everyday of this 4 years together, and with a little separation, we both die a little inside.

Mood Swings.

You don't know that the sound of your presence is already enough to keep the room bearable for me to stay, and all you think was me being selfish and am trying to keep you in.

I hate this place !!!

Maybe we are just not right for each other,  and parting ways is the only solution.

Soon, I will leave in time.

Then you can have all the time in the world to do your things, and get a better girl who can tolerate that.

1 year ago...

I felt the exact same shit.

Please give me the courage to seek the life that is best for all.
Give me the power to let go of things/memories/times shared.
Give me the strength to heal, and also the time to stand up again.

That's all I ask for.  For now.

I really needa go, stop holding me back.

So true :)

After reading this, I thought it was my heart that's spoken up.
Of late, I've been feeling down, and I cry all the time.

I used to be someone who gets angry at bad things that happened or are happening, and why they take place. I was an angry person all the time.

Now I am just sad. I miss my family. Each time I talk to them, they just give me this will power to do the best for myself and for them. Over here in Melbourne, right here, right now, its all disappointment.

2 years away is no fucking joke.

Am I fat?

Is the question I ask my boyfriend EVERY FRICKEN DAY we talk to each other.

Not only that, I also asks if

"I put on weight"


"My make up is nice"


"I look good in this"


"He noticed my double eyelid" (sometimes I wake up with double eyelids but nowadays my double eyelids are kinda permanent :D )


Why?

Because we're insecure like that.

I know, not every girl is like me, and not every guy can tolerate this.

But, a positive remark WILL make me/us feel better.

Some of us are so insecure, even a 1mm increase on our eyelids, we jump for joy and feel prettier already. Guys hit on us, we can brag whole day and whole night, but if someone insults us, we'll remember it and feel crappy till the end of time.

Well, maybe I am extreme. Cause all my LIFE, I've been judged based on my looks.

When I was obese - talk of the town, slimmed down - talk of the town & society nowadays isn't very kind. It should make me stronger - true, but my scarred heart can only take so much.

Recovery.

Been emo-ing freaking hell a lot about a decision and yes, there is a very high possibility that I'll be going back Malaysia...

FOR GOOD

Why so reluctant?

Not because I am going to start having curfews once I am back and getting myself tied to my parent's apron...but a whole lot of people, memories and things I am leaving behind !!

A whole lot of friends from different nation and locals that I might not see ever (unless I earn loadsa money myself or marry a rich man to travel to 20902 countries to visit all of them), friends from Malaysia also going to stay in Australia, new found favourite food, favourite Aussie street, favourite past time ...my lifestyle away from Malaysia, its just going to disappear.

I rant the other day on Twitter, saying how I hate moving from places to places, cause it only means me missing MORE places and people. Last time it used to be just Melbourne and Malaysia. Now , I am going to miss Melbourne, Canberra, and Sydney ...when I go back Malaysia. My friend replied my Twitter and said its the disadvantage of being a "global citizen". It truly sucks.

The more you explore, sure it open your eyes to more exciting things, but when you want to revisit, there is only 1 YOU , limited time and money.

SIGHHHHH.

Just the other day, my friend sent me an ebook about our star sign. I am a Leo, and that ebook is correct. Leos are sentimental. I have feelings for almost everything. Aih. I will miss everything. Aih.

Anyway my birthday just passed and I didn't do anything about it, except lay on bed , had a bottle of wine with Eddie and a few small cakes while watching movie. Camwhored too.

A lot more camwhore pix. IN YA FACE !

Sigh lah. sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

Hate bonding with places.

Dilemma.

Torn and tattered.

Been crying until I got sick of it and print screened my crying face, it kinda cheered me up, seeing how stupid Eddie look while talking.  

HAHAHA.

I am insane, showing my crying & whiny face. I think I look good crying !



but doesn't feel good AT ALL. sigh.

Shucks to be in this position.

I want to go back Malaysia, I want to be in Melbourne, but I also want to be in Canberra.

HAHAHA, I'm typical huh, indecisive and stupid.

1 year closer to deathbed..

What is there to celebrate? 

I always find myself asking that.

Time is flying so quickly that I find it pointless celebrating birthdays, in fact..I don't like crowds anymore. I only like sharing this special date with my family members, bf and maybe small comfort crowd. To feel the undivided love they have for me on my "special" day - its enough. No need for presents, just the essentials ; food ( dinner, cake, etc).

I've had parties whereby almost 30people came over. Great big party, my apartment can barely fit everyone, food aplenty, games were wild.. but

Honestly?

It was tiring =( It felt more like having to entertain than be entertained. Even surprise parties....all I felt was obligation to talk to everyone, cause truly, I appreciate their thoughtfulness..but its just me.I am quite on the quiet side I guess. I can force myself to be all friendly and loud,but at the end of the day, I'd be exhausted mentally.

But I don't mind attending functions,as long as I am not the one organising ^^ & have to talk to everyone. 


Birthday... 1  year has passed. I feel more depressed than happy, like really.

Ever since understanding the meaning of death, the loss suffered, the pains that I went through, I wish time will just go  >>>>>slow<<<<<.

Also just had a taste of some bad news right before my birthday. Less of a reason to celebrate. That horrible,horrible news tied down my finances, thus ALSO deterring me from "going all out" on my birthday. On top of that, my return flight to Melbourne was cancelled. A whole lot of money is being wasted to buy new last minute tickets..

I came to Melbourne discreetly, not letting many people know, only a handful, and spend 2 good days alone and with Eddie. Was alone most of the time though, spending a little on food I've missed in Melbourne while giving a few working friends surprise visits to their bakery, cafe...etc.

In a dilemma. I miss my family very much and have an option to go back home for good within 2 months, or waste another 6 months here. Go back home, start on career, & leave a 4 year relationship or stay another 6 months, go back for good & also have a risk of losing a 4 year relationship.

I know the best answer to this, but 4 years to forget, will be like healing from a slit to the throat; death-like and probably need a miracle to recover.

Guys are aplenty. I know. I've dated a few, got together with a few...its hard to find one that I am comfortable with.

Yesterday while playing card games with my friends, seeing my guy friends attacking Eddie, bruising his ego, calling him ball-less for giving me the power to make decisions for him...and him taking it like that, and was not affected at all,my heart felt as if it has liquidfy/melted.

( quite a nice game!! Monopoly card game)

How to find a guy who loves me this much? Who looks out for me, who constantly cares, who ticks out the list of a good boyfriend (except being neat and tidy).

I am not really a good girlfriend material (maybe like Distinction level, not HD - ahaha ^^ ), because my temper is...indescribable.I am literally like a walking time bomb. Just yesterday, I waited 20 minutes for him to come home from work so that we can go out together, around town collecting my birthday freebies...the first stop was to Boost. The queue was long, and he waited with me for 5minutes, and said he can't wait in line with me cause he's too hungry.

I scolded him saying "I WAITED 20MINUTES FOR YOU, AND YOU WAIT 5MINUTES ONLY YOU MAKE NOISE, DON'T HAVE TO WAIT WITH ME LA". I stormed off and went to calm down, while he go buy his "lunch".

After I got my freebies alone,came back home...continued being pissed at him...and he called me to open the fridge. Inside were my favourite cakes and macaroons from my favourite shop. He explained that he couldn't wait with me cause he was worried the shop would close.

Sigh
All good things come to an end?

yumzzzz.

haha stupid picture of him lazing behind me,watching shows.

Sigh, tough decisions. 

I miss the old me. =(

Friend said that girls usually reach the "peak" of their youth from around 19-22 years old. 

I couldn't agree more.

I am now reaching mid 20s...and I just happened to look back at my old pictures..

I looked so happy !  I was 22!

No stress, carefree...and skinny. haha.

Sigh, its so hard now. To slim down.

It took me 1month back then to grow skinny. It has already been almost 3 months since I've started slimming down...but results are SLOW !! :(

Gave up this week actually..my body was so exhausted from working, eating at the wrong hours, and when my body feels exhausted and stress...I eat more!

But seeing my old pictures....new beginning awaits me tomorrow!!!

Sydney Day 2 !

The 2nd day in Sydney had been a rather LAZY day. We set up what we want to do the night before, but ended up did nothing according to what was planned -_-. 

Was suppose to wake up early and go Sydney's Fishmarket for brunch but slept till 12pm ! Wah, I was feeling so guilty, spend money on this trip to SLEEP IN?! But hotel beds are so damn comfy , spacious too (been sharing a single bed with Panda - beat that!) ! 

Then dragged both of us out to explore Sydney Chinatown.  

Actually we were looking for this particular famous ramen shop in Sydney, that got quite good reviews. Couldn't find it !!!! ZZZzzz . GoogleMap phail over here.

Cause we were toooo hungry, no choice but to settle for :

Argh. The last thing I want to eat in Australia is Malaysian food. All FAIL one !!!!! They just don't taste like food from home :(  So much more expensive some more. But no choice. too fhungry and well, Mamak is really famous here.

My friend brought me here once before, and I had their Roti Tissue, really nice. So just come here only, since the restaurant's always so busy (good sign).

Eddie ordered Nasi Lemak :

Not a fan of nasi lemak, but Eddie said it's good for AUSSIE standard, except the sambal is more sweet than spicy !

I ordered Murtabak Chicken !

haha, don't know why I like to order Murtabak in foreign countries. I had my VERY first Murtabak 4 years ago in Singapore. Forgot what it taste like. Second time was in Melbourne, this time it's my third. Don't know how to compare man cause haven't eaten Malaysia's murtabak, but edible. Taste abit like popiah somehow -_- was it cause everyone in the kitchen = Chinese?!

Then after Mamak, ate Meet Fresh again ^_^

Ordered Taufufa + taroballs (don't know why I ordered them again) and Eddie ordered herbal drink.

After this meal, the next photo is dinner already. So I think we went back to hotel to spend time with each other. OH YAH, it rained and we didn't have umbrella nor want to invest on any. So stayed indoors.

So hungry again, came out for dinner at Mother Chu's :

Remembered coming here before, and I think the food WAS good.

It's not as good as I thought now T.T Why ohhh why!!! Was it cause my I had high expectations, or they've really gone bad?

And don't know why people like to serve us the wrong food/order:

Eddie's order got mixed up, but this dish wasn't bad though! Only thing was that it's vegetarian and Eddie needs meat, so we got our dish changed.

I ordered oyster noodle :

 Similar to Shihlin at 1Utama, but Shihlin's one betterrrrrrrrr !!


Our table:

The chinese pastry in the middle was the best among everything on the table. Chinese pastry crust but inside = dumpling meat!

Something sweet after the meal ...

 Emperor's cream puff. OOOOHHHHHHH orgasmic.

Freshly made:

Bought 12 cream puffs =D

The weather that day was super cold and windy, and our cream puffs were piping hawt ! Such a good combo. The wind kinda chilled the crust of the cream puffs (no chance for it to turn wet and soggy) and the cream inside was still warm!!! IT WAS BLISSFUL. 

Its quite similar to the kaya balls I had when I was young that looks like this

Texture and taste of the crust are the same. Only the shape and fillings made it different altogether. Fillings of the cream puff = chinese custard!

Then I guess erm, those cream puffs were not enough, we took a stroll along George Street (main street of Sydney) and decided to buy some cakes from Cafe 85degrees! I know the cakes there aren't that good, but its so pretty to look at...and I never fail to not buy them every time I come Sydney.

How to resist them!!! ??

But we didn't eat immediately la. I felt guilty from so much food, made both of us walk to Circular Quay and back.

 Walk inside the malls also.

Then go Delifrance to smell pastries T.T

Can't buy them cause got cakes already !! T.T Some more had cream puff and Meet Fresh before. Aihz.

I  LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  pastries T.T !!!! But somehow I always can't have them. Always wrong timing.

If only there's a black hole in my stomach, eat already then kena vacuumed away somewhere, not converted into fats at all ..That'll be good !  Okaylah, don't want to be greedy, thankful I am still alive and healthy ( I hope).

Go back hotel, pig out on the cakes (and pineapple tart) we bought from Cafe 85degrees :

 Cakes are alright, I like the pineapple tart though!

It was on special cause it was going to expire the next day, but both of us finished the whole thing + cakes before bed time.

End of Day 2 !

Pineapple tart reminds me of my late maternal grandmother that passed away 2 years ago.  She was the first person who introduced pineapple tarts to me when I was around 10 years old, telling me its really delicious, and gave me a whole box of them. I didn't like the sound of pineapple tart because I didn't like pineapples back then.

But she managed to convince me. The box was really pretty and classy looking (like pretty mooncake boxes), and inside laid 25 pineapple tarts sealed properly, with pretty wraps around each individual square-shaped pineapple tart.

Sigh, miss my late maternal grandma and late paternal grandpa. Thinking of you guys still make my eyes all watery and full of regrets (especially for my grandpa ....)

.....

Also, kinda stumbled upon blogs of people with cancer, and how they battled them. Actually, just 2. Worse thing was that two of them led a very healthy life style, no soft drinks, no junk, loadsa veggies and less meat. They also exercised loads, everything they eat are low in salt and sugar.

How come they get cancer?  They looked after their health but yet they get cancer. I kinda eat like them now in Canberra, albeit less discipline (cheat on diet with snacks - chips, chocolates and sweets once in a while).

Does this simply prove that our food is contaminated?

Reminds me of my Aunty that passed away few years ago, from cervical cancer. She's one of the healthiest eater I ever known. She baked her own bread, made her own soy bean milk to drink, eat organic stuffs, but yet....she got cancer! Why ?!?!?!?!  How come!?


I remembered asking my dad before why people get cancer, and he answered "Unlucky loh"  -_-

I myself haven't been feeling too good lately. The mole on my neck bleed suddenly (again, but just healed), puked 2 weeks ago halfway while exercising in the gym (the last time I vomited was 8 years ago over food poisoning!) , almost fainted while working last Saturday, my chest feel tight and breathe also like damn hard, sometimes got sharp pain, and my menstruation is super late. Feel nausea all the time. =/ weird nia.

Not photogenic or in denial ?

Have you ever have a VERY EXTREMELY UGLY photo of you taken?

Don't you just hate it when the photo is your friend's and they uploaded it on FACEBOOK? Add in the salt (almost 100 mutual friends) , and you don't know how to tell her to take off the photo because she looks good beside you!! She's not soo close to the extent I can treat her the way I treat panda (not that bad lah!! haha).

Anyway that ugly photo..kinda brought my esteem to another level of low. Its so ugly that it kinda scares me!!! I look at it, I can't stare at it for more than 5seconds.

Sigh.

I always find myself asking ,

"Am I really that ugly?" 

"Why people look good in every angle, but I only look good when I camwhore?" 

"Why does my photo NEVER look like the girl I see in the mirror?"

There are many people who told me I look better in  person than in photos, but you know, it got me thinking if they are telling me white lies.

Why 99% of the people look like their photos. Why is it always my "face angle problem".

I look like my dad, my dad doesn't look that fugly in photos. But I do!!! Thats why I ALWAYS avoid cameras.

Sigh. I am ugly. Stop telling me lies, telling me I am pretty/hot/attractive...it hurts double and disappoints me when I see pictures that confirms that.

I know I sound all shallow and all, but looks does matter!!!

Time of the month.

I feel aimless, unwanted/ unwelcome, and I don't know, just suddenly feel like I have no drive to do anything!!

I don't care about grooming, haven't shopped in ages (partly cause I feel fat, also due to the fact that I only have enough money to survive+ save up for holidays) , and I feel un-interesting. Maybe I really am not interesting at all.

I also feel that I am wasting my time.

I feel that my friends are all slowly leaving me. I feel outdated.

Worse part is that...I think I am ok with that. I want to be alone MOST of the time. Like either alone, bf or friends I am extremely comfy being with.

Don't know what's up with me nowa-years. Don't like celebrating my birthday. Meet new people also I can't click with them at all !! Lost my social skills, my loudness, but sadly not my pride.

I feel lost.

Its like I want to be "around" but yet I don't want to be there., almost like want to have new friends minus all the talking.

I look happy don't I !!!!!  What ya think?

Sigh.

I feel that the world is fake, but as much as they are fake...everyone's leaning towards fakeness, that everyone are almost the same.

Everyone has lost their unique-ness, Everyone look n feel identical to me, especially girls;...and that I feel pressured. Me being different, I feel like an outcast. Bad outcast.

I don't put make up and I can go out without make up. In fact the picture above, I just finish exercising and rotting. You can even see my pimples and uneven eyebags (it pops up liddat when I am extremely tired and lack of sleep). The only "fake" are my contact lens.  My face is oily.

But well, a lot of girls out there will see me as ugly. No make up = ugly.

Then I feel pressured into having to put make up. I know I look perfectly fine without make up, but then I feel ugly because I have no make up on.

Sigh. What has this world become!!

Even blog hopping, they are all THE SAME. Some bloggers that I used to like, they are "going there". From strong he-girls...all turning into more feminine-like. I feel annoyed.

Does this mean I have to like pink, hello kitty, dolphins, japan, furry cute puppies, pretty nails, fake lash, thick make up, be all wild, tattoos, piercings at random places, BRANDED GOODS (heck, read from newspapers recently that girls in malaysia turn to prostitution to earn fast money to buy these bags) and skinny to be accepted?

I can't like lime green, purple,  clean nails, clean skin , plain shoes , not liking clubbing, not getting pissed drunk + embarrass myself ?

I am annoyed but yet pressured and just worried that one day I'll conform and soon, lose this "side" of me.

PEER PRESSURE.

Tired.

I have my own goals.
I am fine right here in CANBERRA, on my way to achieving my goals,

No one should stop me.

I am happy, earning good money, and doing things I should've been doing long time ago.

NUFF SAID.

LDR

Sigh.
I hate LDR.
Originally staying in Melbourne, I came over to Canberra, to earn more $$$, but had to sacrifice the comfort of seeing Eddie everyday.

I had to do that, if not, I can't earn enough in Melbourne to live there. Considering the cost of living there is higher and also demand of jobs is more than supply, hence, lower paid job, because it is either you want it or other people will take it.  If I have to stay there and still ask for money from my parents, might as well I go back Malaysia.

In Canberra, I am earning double(of what I earn in Melbourne) on normal days,and triple on Sundays. Saturday rate also higher. Its good money !  The work is not even that busy.

True, we can Skype and all, but it's just not enough !

Its like some part of you is missing.

I can always go back Melbourne at least once a month, but I have to weigh the pros and opportunity cost. I come here with one sole purpose, to yield as much money as I can. Going back can be VERY damaging to my goals... LE SIGH. WTDO.

Separation ♥

12pm now, going to speed write an entry. Leaving at 3pm for airport....5.45pm -> flight. Sucks balls.

Eddie just left not too long ago to go back to his office. He came back home to see me for the last time (during his lunch break) before I head to Canberra.

Sadddddddddddddddddddddddddd yet excited.

Mixed feelings. Last time when he was going back Malaysia for a month, I missed him like hell. Even when I go back Malaysia for a week, also we're kinda like reluctant to let go each of other out off our sight.

But I guess those two separation has made us stronger. And when I come back Melbourne? It's not even certain. Not even sure if I can come back within a month, who knows I'll be back here two weeks later...etc.

But I know I am going to miss him and hanging out with some friends.

Will I survive the Long Distance Relationship (LDR) ??? :'(

The taste of this love...is so bland.

I can get used to it.

4th year...it takes 4 years to know that you no longer can count on your partner when you need them the most.

Lesson learnt : Lean on your own shoulders, to avoid disappointment.

Its a date.

Since the last couple of weeks, I've been living off Eddie (eating all the yummy food he brought home) , I decided to treat him to dinner yesterday. I am no parasite, at the very least I always try not to!

If you all live in Melbourne, you all probably heard of this place call Ying Thai on Lygon Street. They serve the best thai food I've ever eaten. If you come Melbourne, its a MUST GO place.

I wanted to bring both of us there, but too bad, he had meeting till 8pm, and I was too hungry, so we went to eat nearby.

Only selected food in this restaurant is yummy.

Well, cause I read a lot of random blogs , and how they get their pictures taken by a 3rd party, rather than they camwhore themselves....I thought to follow. Cause it is like narrating a story and us being IN the story, rather than forced camwhore photos all over.

So, I've decided to give Eddie another chance in photography (he is very popular among me and my girlfriends especially, in taking ugly/half arse photos).

LOOK AT THE OUTCOME. FML.

I wasn't even ready!

I gave up hope in him holding a camera that instance. Will train him whenever time allows. The more times he hold the camera, the more ugly shots will come out. 


(Do you all know, even though you delete absolutely everything on your computer or hard disk, there are still ways to retrieve the data? Unless you burn the hard disk, random people can do it. Eg. my very own brother! So never take naked pictures of yourself at all cost. lol. Or you'll end up like Edison Chen-he actually erased everything from his computer before sending it for repair, but look at all the photos that leaked out!)

And I also decided to get even ♫♪♪♫ :

 BAHAHAHA. 

Okay, food then came, and this is the last photo of our dinner :

Only the keow teow I had and Eddie's Chicken cashewnut was good.

I paid for dinner, was being very generous. Look at two other sides ! Tom yum soup and fish cakes (not very nice though).

Total damage : $40.60

T_T

Notice my blood shot eyes? Today, my eyes totally KO-ed. It grew puffy, and more red after that, and worse today! ahhhh. People always tell me the nicest feature of my face are my eyes and skin...well, they look horrible now. Red eyeballs, puffy, + dry skin on my lids and I used new facial stuff that caused a reaction on my skin, making it look like they have rashes all over. Not severe, but slightly noticeable IRL.

=(



Ignore this section if you hate emo post.

....................

Actually, I cried.

I don't know what to do at this point of life. Not going back home for over a year (grandfather's funeral doesn't count, didn't get to spend quality time with my family)...I am extremely homesick. I think of home every single day. sigh.

I always thought to push myself outside comfort zone, but it's tough.

The camp....actually left me in shock. It was an eye opener...but I just can't be like them. I can't dance with just undergarments. I can't talk like them. I can't freaking understand almost all their slangs. I am not open enough.

I told one of the guys "my boyfriend was quite pissed at me cause I went for the camp".
He told my boss' partner infront of me " her boyfriend was like cutting her up for attending Aa Camp".
Me " WhaT?"
Him " you told me your boyfriend was cutting you up just now"
Me " er?"
Him "Cutting you up, you know, angry?" (with a slight irritated look on his face)

WTF !! Not only that lah, there are loads more that I can't even remember.

I know that I am here in Australia, that I should talk they way they talk, to try to blend in, but I just can't. I have my own limits, and its not very high to change myself completely, to turn into an Australasian. I love home. They are people who are embarrassed of home and their own mother tongue language (not all, most that I've met).

My boss appointed me as a Marketing/ PR Executive/ Social Face, but I am afraid...I can't do it.

I just don't understand Australian culture...and I understand Malaysia way better. ... sighness.

I look so tired, depressed and stressed nowadays, that my friends just call me to go back and catch up on sleep today. Even when I told them I need encouragement to exercise, they said no. Haha, what am I doing now? I love torturing myself with no sleep and then complain about eyebags.

Girls...or is it just me :) ...