LDR sucks.

How long can we withstand the distance, I do not know.

But I know that...things will only get harder.

=(

http://www.tnp.sg/content/they-died-play

................................................................................................................................

I don't know why but I kinda miss him.

I know that should he still be alive, we'll only continue to be in touch as Facebook friends or msn friends. Or who knows, maybe 20yrs later if he decide to move to Malaysia or me to Singapore, we could've meet half way and become better friends ?

During uni days, we were merely friends from the same club. Honestly, we don't really hangout outside uni, unless its someone's bday or housewarming (which happened like once on both occasions). That also, out of those 2 times, that one time... I was soooo freakin late (as usual) and I didn't get to see him. 

BUT , I received a text msg (from his gf) saying he wanted to see me actually, weird huh. Like I suddenly received an sms from an unknown number that says "jw was looking fwd to see u actually", and I had to go through people's phonebook to find out who is it, and turns out it's his gf's number. Dont ask me bout their rship, like kinda dysfunctional or maybe it's just some prank. But his gf did that kinda stuff couple of times edi !!! 

Anyway I am writing this down not to self promote, but in hopes that I will remember this and also the feelings I felt losing him as a friend. 

I know u geddit, this guy thinks I am attractive...but hardly ever anyone thinks so, or at least, confront me and tell me straight to my face. Or at least theres NO other person who's labeled as "the guy who calls Michelle chio all the time". People around me, calls him as that. When I was about to break the news to Eddie regarding his death, I asked Eddie if he remembers him, he's like "ohhhh the guy who always call u chio one right"

Because with every compliment I get, there are always people who will also point out my flaws, like I am too tall, big boned, hunched, big cheek bone, the list goes on. Like "u're pretty but a bit too big size". -___-

But when it comes to him, he made me feel special ? Regardless of how shitty I looked, he never said anything. And d'u know, I am actually taller than him also? But he never said anything about me being gigantic, or implied anything along those lines.

But flashes of memories when I think of him was more towards our first impression. He was my treasurer's housemate. So went to my treasurer's house to have meeting, and thats when I first saw him. He was cooking lunch ie. noodles + tofu + fish cake + abc sauce + many other seasonings !!! And he cooked really a lot !!! So he offered my friends and I, with his smiley face. And we just met for the first time...he doesn't mind sharing same chopsticks with us !!! :O 

Well as usual, I didn't eat it. Sighhhh ! I have a bit phobia sharing things, esp food with people, except my bf of course. Sometimes I force myself to share just so that people won't feel rejected.

And since that first meeting, I see him more often during my club events, meetings and activities....

Maybe, because he passed away at such an early age, that I feel extra sad for him, and felt horrible. Horrible that life had been too unfair to him. Not only that, since I knew him before, could I have done something/anything to make him happier in this world before he left? Learnt from someone that his family background isn't really a happy one. 

Went to his funeral couple days back at Singapore (wed29/2 - thur 1/3). He look really handsome in his funeral pic :) In his ivory white casket, he was wearing a suit. Even in death, his face was smiling, not with teeth of course. 

Sigh. Its quite sad actually, to lose a friend that u have some special memories with. How much more in future, if I were to lose more? Not cursing anyone, just saying. Who knows I'll die first? Who'll be sad? Who did I made feel special? Did I do anyone wrong? Will the person who hates me, forgive me or curse me all the way down to hell? Will anyone miss me? Who'll feel my loss? 

But I will stay alive for as long as possible, for the sake of my parents. My friend's mom can barely stand, and was hysterical. Not saying shes insane, saying that the pain of losing a child is so intense...that it make your knees weak by the sight of his/her funeral picture. The "funny" thing was... I was the only person (along with my bestie) who saw his real mother. Other friends saw his stepmom and thought its his real mother, and thought his family members were all doing alright (not many people know about his family background).

I know as we grow older, there will be more of these to come. Heck, just 2 days ago, my friend's sis' bf passed away, and he also just graduated and came back from Melbourne, for good.

Life is extremely fragile. Whoever who said that human body is actually powerful and capable of many things we think are impossible, u're FXXXing wrong. This week itself, I heard of like what, 4 deaths? My friend, friend's sis' bf, friend's cousin...and my friend's place in Singapore that I stayed at, had 1 funeral in the building. 

Thats too many deaths to hear about in 1 week. 

Stop dying !!! 

R.I.P...

Just lost a friend. Although we're not that close, but close enough to feel the pain.

He's the definition of a fun uni life. He's one of the ONLY FEW guys who made me feel attractive. He is from Singapore, hence he's the first person who calls me "chio" (find the definition yourself!).

Always call me "chio" in sight, during my club events, he was there to help...even with specks looking really stressed up cause of the preparation of club events, he'll tell me I am "chio".

During one of another committee's birthday, I wore this "happy birthday" specks, he was sitting right opposite me, and shouted "WOW really so chio lah you".

Sometimes even his gf (yeah he has a gf) sms me saying her bf thinks I am chio.

Once we chatted on msn until 4am.

You are too sweet (especially your mouth), it may all be white lies... but a lot of people like to be reminded that they're pretty (no one's ugly unless your personality suxx).

Well, those are the only few memories of you and I. And also u with your camera, snapping pictures and candid of me all the time especially (during events)!!!

Well , it was fun while you were here.

See you at your wake. I think you're worth it.










 (Last pic my face kena blocked)

And loads more events ...

Sigh , I know I threw him the cold shoulder cause I feel uneasy when people compliment me head on/face to face.

So, see ya real soon !

The future.

Been spamming my Twitter this whole day. Been feeling extremely emotional. Thought to just write it here, than affect other people/friends who are following me. Don't know if they even bothered reading anyways.

Initially I wrote "If you want me to stay,  offer me something that no one else can. All I ask for is stability loyalty happiness". But deleted it. Should spare people from seeing my tweets like almost 10x today already.

Honestly, I really don't mind a future of us here in Australia. Lifestyle at the moment is good. Earning money weekly, and can afford almost anything I want at the moment by just working 1 week.

Only thing is, I love and miss my family back home, but what can I say ? A partner is someone who will be with you for the rest of your life, not your parents.  Parents will go one day when the time comes, and so I have to open my big eyes to choose a partner that will stick on.

Not that I am ditching my parents. I WILL take care of them wholeheartedly, sincerely and with every might that I have. As long as I am living, I will do whatever it takes, whenever they need help or don't need help, if I am there, I will volunteer to save them from ANY form of hassle.

Sigh. What a life.
Stuck between a boyfriend who loves me wholeheartedly and wants me in Australia, and my parents who love me unconditionally.

How to choose? I've met a good guy, but I can't seem to digest the idea of seeing my parents once or twice a year. I don't know.

1 year ago, I have to make a decision but decided that I need more time.., 1 year later, I am still stuck in the exact same position.

Why am I so indecisive? Why is it so hard? Which will be the best decision? How do I deal with separation with either one of them ?

4 years ago, when Eddie was stuck in Malaysia, and almost got banned from Australia, I prayed to God, telling Him that I really need him (then) in Australia, and I will deal the other tough challenges after I graduate (Eddie has always have plans staying in Australia & I have always wanted to go home).

Time just flew and now, 4 years later...when the time has come it is indeed FXXXing tough...considering the fact that we've spent almost everyday of this 4 years together, and with a little separation, we both die a little inside.

Mood Swings.

You don't know that the sound of your presence is already enough to keep the room bearable for me to stay, and all you think was me being selfish and am trying to keep you in.

I hate this place !!!

Maybe we are just not right for each other,  and parting ways is the only solution.

Soon, I will leave in time.

Then you can have all the time in the world to do your things, and get a better girl who can tolerate that.

1 year ago...

I felt the exact same shit.

Please give me the courage to seek the life that is best for all.
Give me the power to let go of things/memories/times shared.
Give me the strength to heal, and also the time to stand up again.

That's all I ask for.  For now.

I really needa go, stop holding me back.

Dilemma.

Torn and tattered.

Been crying until I got sick of it and print screened my crying face, it kinda cheered me up, seeing how stupid Eddie look while talking.  

HAHAHA.

I am insane, showing my crying & whiny face. I think I look good crying !



but doesn't feel good AT ALL. sigh.

Shucks to be in this position.

I want to go back Malaysia, I want to be in Melbourne, but I also want to be in Canberra.

HAHAHA, I'm typical huh, indecisive and stupid.

I dream a dream..

According to Buddhism/Taoism , if you dreamt of someone who passed away, it means that they are visiting you.

According to science, it simply means you think of them a lot /at the back of your head, hence triggered such dreams which are basically thoughts when you were sleeping.

Couple of days ago, I dreamt of my grandfather - AGAIN ! It's my third time dreaming about him. Twice few months before he passed away, and this third time. It was the night of the last day of Hungry Ghost Festival was "celebrated" in my area back home in Malaysia(7th/8th August).

I've told a few people that I will regret for the rest of my life for not going back to see my grandfather and spend time with him months before he left me forever. 

In the first dream of him (July last year), he asked me how LONG he have to wait for me to go back home (in Hokkien). I told him 3 months. September (I think), I dreamt of him again, but it was just glimpses of him...was he like reminding me to remember to go back for him?

After all that, I still stayed in Australia, not moving an inch towards home. But I check almost everyday, with my cousins, parents, asking if my grandfather's alright. 

Then the day comes...December 10 2010. Still remembered everything clearly, me working, after work only read the SMS, and my dad calling me not to go back. But I insisted.

I felt regretful ! Somehow I felt that I made him wait too long ! Love U ah kong !! :(

Then the final dream was a bit weird. 

Somehow I have an iPhone in my dream and my grandfather was still alive in my dream. Throughout the days in my dream, we Whatsapped each other IN ENGLISH (my grandfather knows NO English!), can't really remember what we talked but I know that we said " I miss you" to each other. 

Then in my dream, he passed away, it was like his funeral all over again. 

It was horrible for the funeral part, but that dream made me feel like I was with him from before he passed on, till his funeral. 

Its like he wants me to not regret not being there with him. 

Let you all choose what you all want to believe lah. 

My families/relatives are all staunch Taoist and believe in late relatives visiting us and all. I don't know what to believe, but when I am in my emo mode, I'll think of the bright side of this dream , ie. he wants me to not blame myself ! 

But he's not the first person whom I've dreamt about. 

Last year when I played Ragnarok Online (RO), I had an online friend who passed away in January 2008..I dreamt about him telling me he wants to play RO with me. When he was alive, I played all these games with him. 

How bizarre. 

1 year closer to deathbed..

What is there to celebrate? 

I always find myself asking that.

Time is flying so quickly that I find it pointless celebrating birthdays, in fact..I don't like crowds anymore. I only like sharing this special date with my family members, bf and maybe small comfort crowd. To feel the undivided love they have for me on my "special" day - its enough. No need for presents, just the essentials ; food ( dinner, cake, etc).

I've had parties whereby almost 30people came over. Great big party, my apartment can barely fit everyone, food aplenty, games were wild.. but

Honestly?

It was tiring =( It felt more like having to entertain than be entertained. Even surprise parties....all I felt was obligation to talk to everyone, cause truly, I appreciate their thoughtfulness..but its just me.I am quite on the quiet side I guess. I can force myself to be all friendly and loud,but at the end of the day, I'd be exhausted mentally.

But I don't mind attending functions,as long as I am not the one organising ^^ & have to talk to everyone. 


Birthday... 1  year has passed. I feel more depressed than happy, like really.

Ever since understanding the meaning of death, the loss suffered, the pains that I went through, I wish time will just go  >>>>>slow<<<<<.

Also just had a taste of some bad news right before my birthday. Less of a reason to celebrate. That horrible,horrible news tied down my finances, thus ALSO deterring me from "going all out" on my birthday. On top of that, my return flight to Melbourne was cancelled. A whole lot of money is being wasted to buy new last minute tickets..

I came to Melbourne discreetly, not letting many people know, only a handful, and spend 2 good days alone and with Eddie. Was alone most of the time though, spending a little on food I've missed in Melbourne while giving a few working friends surprise visits to their bakery, cafe...etc.

In a dilemma. I miss my family very much and have an option to go back home for good within 2 months, or waste another 6 months here. Go back home, start on career, & leave a 4 year relationship or stay another 6 months, go back for good & also have a risk of losing a 4 year relationship.

I know the best answer to this, but 4 years to forget, will be like healing from a slit to the throat; death-like and probably need a miracle to recover.

Guys are aplenty. I know. I've dated a few, got together with a few...its hard to find one that I am comfortable with.

Yesterday while playing card games with my friends, seeing my guy friends attacking Eddie, bruising his ego, calling him ball-less for giving me the power to make decisions for him...and him taking it like that, and was not affected at all,my heart felt as if it has liquidfy/melted.

( quite a nice game!! Monopoly card game)

How to find a guy who loves me this much? Who looks out for me, who constantly cares, who ticks out the list of a good boyfriend (except being neat and tidy).

I am not really a good girlfriend material (maybe like Distinction level, not HD - ahaha ^^ ), because my temper is...indescribable.I am literally like a walking time bomb. Just yesterday, I waited 20 minutes for him to come home from work so that we can go out together, around town collecting my birthday freebies...the first stop was to Boost. The queue was long, and he waited with me for 5minutes, and said he can't wait in line with me cause he's too hungry.

I scolded him saying "I WAITED 20MINUTES FOR YOU, AND YOU WAIT 5MINUTES ONLY YOU MAKE NOISE, DON'T HAVE TO WAIT WITH ME LA". I stormed off and went to calm down, while he go buy his "lunch".

After I got my freebies alone,came back home...continued being pissed at him...and he called me to open the fridge. Inside were my favourite cakes and macaroons from my favourite shop. He explained that he couldn't wait with me cause he was worried the shop would close.

Sigh
All good things come to an end?

yumzzzz.

haha stupid picture of him lazing behind me,watching shows.

Sigh, tough decisions. 

Goshh

Been working ,my gosh I really hate this week's shift.  

Sunrise shift at 8AM is definitely not for me. Every morning I wake up with mood swings, was late, got nagged.

Talk about work, my blood pressure seriously will go sky high. 

Freaking hell fuck guai lous. Guai lous/orang putih/ white people /ang mohs are indeed a whole bunch of fucking lazy people. I will fucking not date a guai lou EVER !!!!!!! Maybe I am unlucky la, or my boss is, hired all fucking lazy people.

They are all selfish, put themselves first and all.

I have to scoop yoghurt and all for Boost drinks, our fridge is kinda spoilt right now, so all yoghurt are rock solid, so have to use a lot of strength to scoop.

Girls usually avoid the yoghurt station, which is natural, I would try to avoid, but not as obvious and as often as them. If I make a drink, I make sure I scoop la. But guys also freaking hell , runaway instead. ZZZzz.  Make drink half way go stop at scooping cause they don't want to scoop.

Instead all my Malaysian friends (4 Malaysians in the shop now) and I if we work together, all of us plan to take turns to scoop, cos they (white people) are obviously USELESS.

With Panda gone, another one on holiday, and 3rd one can't really work so often past few days cause his gf was leaving AU so he took a few days off...my gosh, eventhough I've been standing there scooping whole day say from 8am - 5pm...all them won' t even care, Instead they're are freaking happy !! 

If I see them, they have damn a lot of drinks to scoop, I ACTUALLY HELP. WHY AM I SO FREAKING NICE?!

SO FINE, I endure all these, because moneys good, but DAMN my right hand now hurts like mad, and I get so exhausted from work. 

Worse thing is that I fucking hate my boss la. see me kena bully at work, somemore say 

"SCOOP FASTER".

HONESTLY, I ALMOST QUIT MY JOB TODAY. ALMOST STORM OFF THE SHOP. 

But instead I shouted, CAN SOMEONE SCOOP. I can't stand it anymore.

SIGHHHH TOMORROW LONG DAY AGAIN.

Nevermind, I am going SYDNEY again next Thursday.

FTS. 

Not photogenic or in denial ?

Have you ever have a VERY EXTREMELY UGLY photo of you taken?

Don't you just hate it when the photo is your friend's and they uploaded it on FACEBOOK? Add in the salt (almost 100 mutual friends) , and you don't know how to tell her to take off the photo because she looks good beside you!! She's not soo close to the extent I can treat her the way I treat panda (not that bad lah!! haha).

Anyway that ugly photo..kinda brought my esteem to another level of low. Its so ugly that it kinda scares me!!! I look at it, I can't stare at it for more than 5seconds.

Sigh.

I always find myself asking ,

"Am I really that ugly?" 

"Why people look good in every angle, but I only look good when I camwhore?" 

"Why does my photo NEVER look like the girl I see in the mirror?"

There are many people who told me I look better in  person than in photos, but you know, it got me thinking if they are telling me white lies.

Why 99% of the people look like their photos. Why is it always my "face angle problem".

I look like my dad, my dad doesn't look that fugly in photos. But I do!!! Thats why I ALWAYS avoid cameras.

Sigh. I am ugly. Stop telling me lies, telling me I am pretty/hot/attractive...it hurts double and disappoints me when I see pictures that confirms that.

I know I sound all shallow and all, but looks does matter!!!

Made a big HOO-HAH !

Meant to blog a couple of days ago (2 days ago to be exact) - until the fateful moment I cut my finger. Before everyone starts screaming "DRAMA QUEEN" on top of their lungs, just going to clarify that this is quite a serious cut compare to normal cuts I had!

Working in Boost, and being a klutz, I cut my hands almost everyday I work! It's like a miracle if I don't cut my hand two days in a row.

Back to the story, well , I cut my hand while cutting oranges, cause I was busy talking and not looking where I was cutting, and before I know it, I cut my finger with as much strength you would use to cut an orange !


Thank God for my hard nails that kept me from chopping my own fingers off. I know I should've looked where I was cutting, but my best friend was going to break up with her bf, how can I possibly stop yakking during that prime time of talking, right?!

So it was around 8pm when I cut my hand. I quickly put on a plaster and stop the bleeding.  Well the low quality plaster didn't keep my blood in and I had to wrap another layer around it...blood can even ooze out from the bandage that was wrapped around my plaster !

Two dots on the side = my blood ! I know in my heart that this is no normal cut, but I chose to calm down first and then see how later.

Around 1am, I open my bandage cause I was expecting it to at least dry a little already, but I was wrong. Blood was STILL pouring and my wound was still very much raw. Both my hands are covered in blood, unprepared with NO PLASTER AT ALL, I looked like I killed someone!

Took a wet tissue to cover my finger, instruct Panda to fold cotton cloth into a square so I can make my own plaster and bandage it around my finger again, but damn -_- she don't know how to do it, she cut the cloth too big but I thought to just try luck and put that chunk of cloth on my wound and bandage it up!

Ended up the cloth was not tight enough around my finger, blood was slowly wetting the whole cotton cloth, I had to use the bandage and tie the lower part of my finger to stop blood. I panicked. I took a gross picture of my bloodied tissue and asked for help ON FACEBOOK!!! Not that I am seeking attention ok , but my family was incontactable. If only I get to call my dad, all these wouldn't have happened.

Loads of my friends commented, some annoyingly joked about it, which pissed me off, but some are really helpful! Thankful to have friends like them. But I didn't have a first aid kit at home, no ice, no nothing,,,

With my fingers are growing purple from all these,I was dizzy also, shivering in a heated room (I hardly shiver- I always feel hot!) , and I am prone to fainting... so I've decided to go ER (Emergency Room).

Cause if I do faint with blood still oozing out, Panda is TINY and won't be able to carry me , an ambulance will have to come...that's $500 gone at least + so much more drama!

Anyway, reached the hospital, fuck my life. Like REALLY!! I got an African rude nigger to attend my finger. I won't call people names for no reason ok, he was seriously TOO MUCH.

When I sat down in this chair, he call me to show him my wound. I did, and he immediately try taking my bandage out. Ok- it's fine, BUT DON'T GO PULLING THE BANDAGE OUT, IT HURTS YOU KNOW!!!!

So I pushed him away (auto reflex), and he said "SO YOU GOING TO TAKE IT OUT YOURSELF HUH, FINE". And stood there. I was using only my right hand to take out the bandage, I was obviously struggling cause IT HURTS, and at one point of time, I needed a scissors to cut this piece of bandage stuck to the cotton.., I asked for it, he said "No". WTF!!!!!!!!!

He came over without warning that he's going to just PULLED THE PLASTER OFF MUTHA FUCKER !!

My cut finger !!!

And he pulled it outwards!!! Obviously my wound open EVEN MORE.

The cotton and plaster thing did come off , but fuck, my wound was like this human waterpipe. Blood just leaked like hell over the dustbin. He put a plaster over it and ask ,

Nigga : " Have you got a Tetanus shot". In nigga accent. 
Me : "I am not sure"
Nigga " How old are you that you don't know? Australians learnt about this shot when they are in Year 9, how can you not know? Did you grow up here or CHINA?" FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me" I don't know ok, my dad is a doctor, every year I get shots for GOD KNOWS WHAT, how you expect me to remember all of them? So what am I getting from this wound? Do I need to stitch it?"
Nigga " Yes you need to stitch your wound up as you can see the blood isn't stopping" in my heart im like YAH MY WOUND IS BLEEDING LIKE FUCK, HOW TO STITCH? WOUND ALSO CAN'T BE SEEN CAUSE BLOOD KEEPS COMING OUT. 
Me" I don't want to get it stitch. Any other options?"
Nigga" Glue, but depending on the doctor"

He was way more rude than how I actually put it la, lazy to write the whole convo. So I stormed out and desperately tried calling my dad again but FAILED, so I called my whole neighbourhood, all my beloved close cousins to help contact my family cause I just can't get through to them!

In the end I follow my instincts, and decided to leave. I've seen my dad sew patients wound up before, they were bleeding but not as much as mine, their wound was more broad. My finger is tiny, stitch what? and furthermore the plaster is keepin everything intact!

Soooooo I left, but made sure I wrote like a 2 page complaint letter, explaining my ordeal over everything, and got home by 5pm.

Went to hospital to get a plaster and 2 panadols only. fuck Australia. Second time I go ER, same shitty treatment.

Wow lengthy wordy post ! Going to Sydney in an hour's time, soooo excited and won't be able to update for a few days. Max a week !

T.T When can I eat real food.

If the world really ends 5 months later (according to some preacher - read from CNN) or even next year, I'll be really pissed.

Gone were the days where I eat real junk food.

Mc Donald's apple pie  (got this picture off internet). I love Mc D's apple pies. =( 

AND 

Cheesecake - my ultimate favourite cake flavour T.T

Going on a diet is sosososoooooooooooooooooo hard ! 

Now I have to live with these :

Boohoo. T.T 

Doesn't really taste like the real thing but minus the guilt.

Sigh, but never mind, persevere and results will come T.T 

LDR

Sigh.
I hate LDR.
Originally staying in Melbourne, I came over to Canberra, to earn more $$$, but had to sacrifice the comfort of seeing Eddie everyday.

I had to do that, if not, I can't earn enough in Melbourne to live there. Considering the cost of living there is higher and also demand of jobs is more than supply, hence, lower paid job, because it is either you want it or other people will take it.  If I have to stay there and still ask for money from my parents, might as well I go back Malaysia.

In Canberra, I am earning double(of what I earn in Melbourne) on normal days,and triple on Sundays. Saturday rate also higher. Its good money !  The work is not even that busy.

True, we can Skype and all, but it's just not enough !

Its like some part of you is missing.

I can always go back Melbourne at least once a month, but I have to weigh the pros and opportunity cost. I come here with one sole purpose, to yield as much money as I can. Going back can be VERY damaging to my goals... LE SIGH. WTDO.

The taste of this love...is so bland.

I can get used to it.

4th year...it takes 4 years to know that you no longer can count on your partner when you need them the most.

Lesson learnt : Lean on your own shoulders, to avoid disappointment.

Its a date.

Since the last couple of weeks, I've been living off Eddie (eating all the yummy food he brought home) , I decided to treat him to dinner yesterday. I am no parasite, at the very least I always try not to!

If you all live in Melbourne, you all probably heard of this place call Ying Thai on Lygon Street. They serve the best thai food I've ever eaten. If you come Melbourne, its a MUST GO place.

I wanted to bring both of us there, but too bad, he had meeting till 8pm, and I was too hungry, so we went to eat nearby.

Only selected food in this restaurant is yummy.

Well, cause I read a lot of random blogs , and how they get their pictures taken by a 3rd party, rather than they camwhore themselves....I thought to follow. Cause it is like narrating a story and us being IN the story, rather than forced camwhore photos all over.

So, I've decided to give Eddie another chance in photography (he is very popular among me and my girlfriends especially, in taking ugly/half arse photos).

LOOK AT THE OUTCOME. FML.

I wasn't even ready!

I gave up hope in him holding a camera that instance. Will train him whenever time allows. The more times he hold the camera, the more ugly shots will come out. 


(Do you all know, even though you delete absolutely everything on your computer or hard disk, there are still ways to retrieve the data? Unless you burn the hard disk, random people can do it. Eg. my very own brother! So never take naked pictures of yourself at all cost. lol. Or you'll end up like Edison Chen-he actually erased everything from his computer before sending it for repair, but look at all the photos that leaked out!)

And I also decided to get even ♫♪♪♫ :

 BAHAHAHA. 

Okay, food then came, and this is the last photo of our dinner :

Only the keow teow I had and Eddie's Chicken cashewnut was good.

I paid for dinner, was being very generous. Look at two other sides ! Tom yum soup and fish cakes (not very nice though).

Total damage : $40.60

T_T

Notice my blood shot eyes? Today, my eyes totally KO-ed. It grew puffy, and more red after that, and worse today! ahhhh. People always tell me the nicest feature of my face are my eyes and skin...well, they look horrible now. Red eyeballs, puffy, + dry skin on my lids and I used new facial stuff that caused a reaction on my skin, making it look like they have rashes all over. Not severe, but slightly noticeable IRL.

=(



Ignore this section if you hate emo post.

....................

Actually, I cried.

I don't know what to do at this point of life. Not going back home for over a year (grandfather's funeral doesn't count, didn't get to spend quality time with my family)...I am extremely homesick. I think of home every single day. sigh.

I always thought to push myself outside comfort zone, but it's tough.

The camp....actually left me in shock. It was an eye opener...but I just can't be like them. I can't dance with just undergarments. I can't talk like them. I can't freaking understand almost all their slangs. I am not open enough.

I told one of the guys "my boyfriend was quite pissed at me cause I went for the camp".
He told my boss' partner infront of me " her boyfriend was like cutting her up for attending Aa Camp".
Me " WhaT?"
Him " you told me your boyfriend was cutting you up just now"
Me " er?"
Him "Cutting you up, you know, angry?" (with a slight irritated look on his face)

WTF !! Not only that lah, there are loads more that I can't even remember.

I know that I am here in Australia, that I should talk they way they talk, to try to blend in, but I just can't. I have my own limits, and its not very high to change myself completely, to turn into an Australasian. I love home. They are people who are embarrassed of home and their own mother tongue language (not all, most that I've met).

My boss appointed me as a Marketing/ PR Executive/ Social Face, but I am afraid...I can't do it.

I just don't understand Australian culture...and I understand Malaysia way better. ... sighness.

I look so tired, depressed and stressed nowadays, that my friends just call me to go back and catch up on sleep today. Even when I told them I need encouragement to exercise, they said no. Haha, what am I doing now? I love torturing myself with no sleep and then complain about eyebags.

Girls...or is it just me :) ...

Bitch Shield.

I am disheartened. With so many things.

The way I look, my job, my age, and I keep wondering, why the fuck am I in Melbourne. Getting bullied all the time, getting backstabbed..feeling all depressed 247.

Since the Japanese earthquake, tsunami and nuclear meltdown, I've been depressed. I am just worried, what if something happen to Australia or Malaysia, knowing that I am never to see my family again...that is a very sad thought that can drive me to tears.

Also, have you ever feel that..being a horrible person, people tend to want to please you, rather than use you? Well remember I said I have a split personality at times (I am going psycho), when I was bitchy, people tend to be a little frighten, and will think twice before using you.

When I am nice? People use me like shit, and after using me, they bitch about me.

Have you ever felt that...people who use you have this thinking that you'll NEVER be better than them.

Fuck it. 

I need what my friends call....the Bitch Shield.

I think the world is too cruel for me to be nice anymore.

People judge you by the way you look, your social status, the way how you are accepted into social circles.

Inner beauty ? FTS.

I am a changed person from now on.

University Camp = Alcohol and Sex Camp.

Yes, that is what overseas universities (not the ones in Malaysia) camp are all about.

In Malaysia, camps are all either jungle trekking, outward bound, Buddhist/Christian camps...all pretty decent and pure kinda camps with alcohol and sex being illegal. Guys and girls in Malaysia can never stay in the same room, unless they're married.

It's an entirely different story in Australia. Not to say they don't have sex-after-marriage kinda camp, but the more popular camps are DEFINITELY the sex-before-marriage + loadsa-alcohol camps.

The university camp that I went to, was for the First Years at university (Gosh I've never felt so old).....and it is very popular for alcohol and sex. In fact, it actually promotes SEX and ONS (one night stand)!

The first day when we arrived, the people in charge of the camp site was directing us to the guys and girls room, but everyone laughed and said in unison "WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE".

Wah if we say that in National Service, we'll be sent to what, some agama/religion school for some squeaky clean brain wash.

Back to the story:

Committees of the camp even openly announced that whoever who needs condoms, can get it from them. A lot of the games are related to sex !  Actually, I didn't really know about it being all that, until my friends from Melbourne University started sms-ing me, warning me to be very careful, because the camp is all about getting piss drunk and SEX. But it was too late. Already told my boss that I'll be going.

❤1 On the way, already like so freaky. Going to a jungle like that . I actually looked scared the whole time (according to people at the camp).

❤2 Like going to Genting :

❤3 Reach already, the first thing that caught our attention was ....BABI/PIG ! 

❤4 My room. Funny, how my room , throughout the camp was called the "Pure Room", whereas the room opposite mine is called the "Sex Room". My room initially had 8 people, after the first night, people keep crashing into my room ...cause their rooms all got "dirty".  

❤5The double decker beds are extremely small and short ! I can't even sit straight on the bed :

❤6Throughout the whole camp,  didn't have many pictures. Took this picture with my blackberry, one of the drinking games. Dam pressure weh, so many people watching. I took part in this game too ! :

❤7 Copied this picture off Facebook ...one of the sex game. Missionary style, guy carry girl like that, walk across the room :

Other games include sex position (where a team consisting about 11 people form different kinds of sex position, which includes making out with random people and judges! and I also saw some random girl's boobies -_- she wanted to take her clothes off, but her bra came off with her top.), strip your clothes or pants and pass it to the last team member in the line to wear all 10 clothes, so everyone infront is like half naked, a lot lah! Can't remember. Was smashed the first night. 

❤8 Forgot whatever that happened during second day there, but at night, things got wild ! Argh. I left immediately cause I was sober and I don't want to reveal any skin. It was just music being played but people are dancing with just bra and panties. I feel super overdressed with my tube dress and tights ! wtf. See arrows in red ..later that night was even worse I heard, absolutely everyone on the dance floor was in their undergarments only. 

❤9 3rd day, time to go home. Mark my territory first ! It was my initial and Aa (Australiasian Association) Camp 2011:

❤10 Bags :

❤11 I actually look forward to going back home! The weather was pretty good, and pictures turned out better than the first few gloomy pictures !

The end of the camp. Reach back home, sleep.

I did not cheat on my boyfriend at all, just saying.

Next post : Dinner !

Brokened trust.

He said to me that only during the first year of our relationship...he felt that we're meant to be.

Its our 4th year together this year.

Just because of one stupid lie I made last time, the trust is gone.  A lie that was made, to protect him. To make him less sad, but it was all misunderstood.

Cause he knew something from long time ago, that drove him EXTREMELY BERSERK, almost called the police. I was worried he'll react the same way, and all I did was tell this friend who was there to not tell him anything. Is this wrong?

That fucking guy (who's his friend,too) betrayed me and told him everything. I am super tempted to delete him off my Facebook, fucka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've learned. I know how to protect myself now. I didn't even freakin put on make up to club whilst I was at the ALCOHOL AND SEX camp. I wore a dress with full length pitch black thick tights underneath while other girls dance with just bra and panties?


OH SO SEXY OF ME , AYE?

I WAS EVEN ON "SOBER DUTY" (duty to be sober to take care of other new girl I've met)!

Do I even look like I'll have sex with random people? Am I even attractive enough to be hit on ALL THE TIME?  BY 18 YEAR OLDS? C'mon man, I'd be super fucking turned off. They are TOO FREAKING YOUNG FOR ME.

I am also facing an identity crisis. I don't know whats the core of my personality. I am bitchy and mean at times, but also very nice and kind on the other hand. So right now, I am just antisocial, or weird. Treating you super nice one minute, and horrible the next.

There are a lot of hot chicks in the camp, that I am like stuck at every guy's blind spot. Loserish guys that can't go for hot chicks only TRIED talking to me. Being a proud person, I don't take losers. I am too good for them. AND I'M NOT THAT CHEAP.

I'm no paedophile.  They are, after all, YEARS younger than me. FTS. No matter how cute/good looking they are...they're still kids.

I will catch a grenade for ya ❤

I will be MIA until Sunday :'(

Got to go to a camp to represent PASSIONFLOWER , am really reluctant to go.... !!!  Got sent to the  camp ALONE, no common friends, I'm going to be really FRIENDLESS while other people are with their own groups of friends :'(

No people to ask to accompany me to the toilet (I HATE public toilet), rarely people will understand that I sleep with lights on....and I've read too many ghost stories recently, am a scardy cat now T.T I know that I will eventually make friends, but still....the comfort of familiar faces just isn't there!

Hopefully after 3 days 2 nights,  I'll be feeling all glad that I went :'( The camp's all about drinking ( and sex apparently) with 18-21 year olds .... F it, everyone's WAY younger than me T.T

OHHHHHHH, things I do for people/ business entity (wtf). lol. 

I am at this stage whereby I just refuse to grow up ! T.T My age makes me sound really old, but I still feel like a 19 or 20 year old . In fact recently I got to know a few 21 year olds...I feel that their topic of conversations are all too intellectual for me Holeh kow! They've traveled around the world, seen more, know more...

EMO post, cause at 2am , I am still not even half packed yet. Going to download loads of Bruno Mars songs ❤ to listen and emo alone in the whole camp. FML.

Seriously, his songs all dam romantic. I like ! So I guess I'll be talking to the moon (Bruno Mars, 2010). ahahaha.


Wish me luck.