New Beginning - 2013

Been wanting to write a blog post for a really long time but there just isn't time to do it at all.

Work. Socializing. Family & Love.

I actually checked my last blog post and it was centuries ago !!! And for some reasons, all my pictures are like wiped out? Sucks.

Coming back to Malaysia for good after spending 4 years there, had been one of the most difficult decisions in my life, without a doubt.

I leave behind a lifestyle, and a that-time boyfriend.

It has been over a year now. I left Melbourne on 29 January 2012 and it is now 24 February 2013.

Actually it is not that long ago, but life has changed drastically.

It was extremely hard to say goodbye to my 4.5 years that time boyfriend, but I know that the relationship was  just not working out.  Different goals, different continent, different interest. When we were together, things were great. We always have like good conversations, just that ultimately, we want different things in life.

Tears were shed, words were thrown at each other...it wasn't that good a break up. Well, I know I was cruel, but cruel-to-be-kind.

But thank you Eddie, for all the times we shared when we were together. Life in Australia was mostly with him, except the year I flew to Canberra. More happy times than sad times.

So since the break up, went out on dates with few guys (guys asked me out ok, not I go out flirt), and surprisingly, it was an old friend whom I kinda gave chance to.

Apparently he was attracted to me since the day we met (year 2008) and the things he do for me, it was quite out of the world. He is very sincere and has very good attention to details. Funny thing was we were quite close at one point of time (for about a year), and almost friendzoned each other. Somehow, we drifted apart and maybe the friendzone thing  just didn't happen.

It's fated, isn't it? Came back, he was initially attached, but we both became single at almost the same time, and he was very upfront about things, telling me things he noticed bout me for the past few years especially times when I was in Canberra when he was there as well. He remembers.

He was kinda my guardian angel all my life since he met me. Watching me...and he knew exactly what happened to me or what was going on with my life (partly thanks to my bigmouth panda bff), without me updating him on certain stuffs, he just knows it. My bff confirmed it. She said the way he talk to me is kinda different as well, as compared to other girls.

At first I hesitated, because he gave me the impression of a player. Well , he was popular in clubs and all. Drinks...smoked (he quit already).

Honestly, I have never been this certain about a guy.

and I think I kinda know how getting together with The One feels ( I never used to believe in The One).

...

While waiting for Eddie to online for Skype, and in the end he didn't, I cheered myself by camwhoring !

trying the smug act cute face.

It was right after dinner with dad's friends.

Since I have been meeting loadsa new people lately, extremely strange enough, they said the same things about me that my old friends agreed upon...

1) They said I look more like an "Amanda" than a "Michelle" (approx 10 people leh)
2) They said I look mix-ish ( since baby )

Well, I got the shock of my life lah.

I don't know how a normal Amanda or a Michelle looks like. But quite a few people from different background said I look similar to the Amandas they know...so..

And I am pure chinese. I think I look damn chinese. But yeah, they say I look abit + white. Maybe cause I am fair and big boned + tall ?!  I don't know man. They said its my face and also the fact that I speak English most of the time. 


Cool. Well, all these are just FYI. 

Solace.

He said my eyebags are damn huge already!!! Sigh I sleep an average of 5+ hours only on weekdays.

Tough life.

Rage.

I think too highly of myself.

Working life is extremely tough. With bad luck, you just want to break down and cry EVERY SINGLE DAY.

When I first started my current job, my colleagues all told me that everyone from Finance Department are counting down the days on how long I'll last. This is because I am directly under my General Manager (everyone in my department works with the pairing system. 1 manager + 1 executive).

My GM has a track record of making people leave the company on an average of 3-4 months. The girl before me broke the record and stayed for 7 months.

When  I heard that I was shocked, but you know, first month, true colours are still skin deep.  She seemed nice and so, I told everyone that she can't be that bad. I have quite a thick skin at times, so I thought it's probably something I can take.

Until 2 weeks ago.

I got screamed at, shouted for, humiliated in front of everyone in the office, given unreasonable deadlines, extremely tough/complicated cases to handle (even though I am new), and on top of that she's extremely fussy. Even if you miss a "full stop" or you have double spacing between 2 words....you'll have to really be prepared to face the music.

I worked really hard. I sacrificed time with friends just to educate myself so that I don't give her or any other managers any chance at all to call me stupid. Walked till my leg cramp every weekend, alone in malls to do research.

But even so, obviously after 2 months they can't expect me to know exactly where every shop is and do everything, right? I have to know where which shop is located at where in 2 huge malls and also get all my letter writing correct with the business like English, in the right letter head and template (which is the most confusing part). On top of that I have to know what THEY want and how they want things to be presented.

They don't care how long you worked, as long as you give them whatever they instructed you to do. Or maybe they just like screaming at you. My department is understaffed. So, I have a lot of work from 4 managers (even though I report to 1 manager). I stayed till the latest most of the time in my department, to finish off my work.

I couldn't take the pressure 2 weeks ago. Came back from work, cried myself to sleep, weekends cry whenever I feel like crying, cried at work, cried in front of my parents...cried soo much until my eyes were swollen and felt extremely sore.

I almost gave up. I had the urge to quit or change department.

Things got better after I cried in front of her, and told her off everything. But it could only be temporary.

Don't know how long I'll last. If I quit after 3 months, how do I work for other company? They look at my records and will probably think I am a girl who gives up easily and not worth hiring. At this thought, I cried again.

My parents called me to stay for at least 1 year. My brother called me to stay for 1 + 1. 1 year in current department, another year in PR department (cause I studied that), so that I have more options. I don't even know if I can make it till 6 months even.

Barely 2 months, I am already emotionally dying. Sigh.

Thought of changing jobs before, but everyone tell me its the same everywhere. Is this really the Malaysian working culture? 

In Australia, managers and all my bosses were like my friends. We talk about everything, have meals, go out to party.

Over here, I just feel like an Egyptian slave working for a Pharoah.

Just these few months..

Please just ...give me time to be alone.

I really need ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to concentrate on getting my job right and getting it done the QUICKEST way.

I also have this personal goal to achieve. I want to be the fastest person they've ever trained, because I feel accomplished when that happens.

Fastest they trained a person to trust her enough to let her do things on her own accord was 3 months. 3 months is a long time, yet u can't say its that long, because in this field...its kinda am more on the complicated side. 

True, u may ask, dont u even have time for just 1 dinner? (what happens when 5-10 diff group of friend/s asks this? It's not going to be just "1" dinner.)

I go to work slightly before 8am everyday, and leave work at around 730pm, latest 830pm...eat dinner and I sleep early, to have full concentration for work the next day, so Monday - Friday is out.

That leaves Saturday and Sunday.

Lately my dad and brother has been travelling a lot on weekends. That leaves only my mom and I. I NEED to have meals with her. It's not even a choice.

I don't even have much time with Eddie. Daily Skype routine becomes once every few days. By saying this = I NEED to be at home. 

I have a 12am curfew.

Say my brother n father doesnt travel, Saturday night, and Sunday is family time/day. Sometimes Sunday I'll go out, but I try not to, cause I hardly see my family members anymore since starting my job, except Sunday.

Saturday noon I MAY be free, but usually I'll like to sleep in and then bring my mom to temple to pray during noon.

I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN MY BEST FRIEND SINCE WE BOTH STARTED WORKING.

So how does one juggle between a full time job, family, bf, friends, I don't know.

But maybe cause I am new, that's why I have been staying back, going to work early, tiring myself. 

Partly because I really feel that..maybe..I have the potential..to go higher.

 I really want to succeed.