Uncertainties, the hatred of my soul.

Don't know what to expect for the next couple of months.

1. Going back Malaysia for 2 months
2. Coming back for my graduation
3. Going back for good.

Whereas for my relationship? It seems to be going no where.
I want to go back, and will be going back for good next year ..probably around April or May.
Eddie's staying.

We know that we have a high probability of parting ways, but yet right now, when the topic arises, it's just awkward. Sigh.

3 years together. But 1 dead end future.

Dates are drawing closer. That is when my realisation starts kicking in.

If we do break up during that 2 months apart, how am I to come back in April for my graduation ?
And if I have a friend's place to bunk in, how would life in Australia be without him? Like eventhough we've been apart before for a month, but the thought of him returning is there.

If I were to go there, aimlessly, just to attend my graduation, its going to be tough.

I use to think that it's easy. Life goes on. I thought I have been selfish, to love myself more , put myself first before everyone. But the thought of it still stinks.

Guess I still have a heart.
Having a heart sucks balls. I hate feeling like as if my heart is getting stabbed multiple times with no mercy.

Just today, I was all fucking pissed and bawled my eyes out within half an hour (during my half an hour work break, walked back home), cause I cooked him dinner before going to work, risking myself to be late for work... But when I came back home, thought to surprise him with my free ice cream that I brought from work... turns out that he went out with his friends. My home cooked dinner was untouched. He's no where in sight, and the ice cream was melting in Melbourne's summer.

He did come back within 5minutes, but its just not right anymore. The mood is gone.

So much things you do, with expectation to see how much it'll please that particular someone, but everything came out opposite. Hurtful is Disappointment's last name.

Went back to work pretended to be normal. It was tough facing my colleagues, cause usually we'll talked. So I drowned myself in work, making myself busy all the time with no rest. So that I don't have to talk much. I kinda suck in acting.

Sigh. Hate this feeling right now.