1 year closer to deathbed..

What is there to celebrate? 

I always find myself asking that.

Time is flying so quickly that I find it pointless celebrating birthdays, in fact..I don't like crowds anymore. I only like sharing this special date with my family members, bf and maybe small comfort crowd. To feel the undivided love they have for me on my "special" day - its enough. No need for presents, just the essentials ; food ( dinner, cake, etc).

I've had parties whereby almost 30people came over. Great big party, my apartment can barely fit everyone, food aplenty, games were wild.. but

Honestly?

It was tiring =( It felt more like having to entertain than be entertained. Even surprise parties....all I felt was obligation to talk to everyone, cause truly, I appreciate their thoughtfulness..but its just me.I am quite on the quiet side I guess. I can force myself to be all friendly and loud,but at the end of the day, I'd be exhausted mentally.

But I don't mind attending functions,as long as I am not the one organising ^^ & have to talk to everyone. 


Birthday... 1  year has passed. I feel more depressed than happy, like really.

Ever since understanding the meaning of death, the loss suffered, the pains that I went through, I wish time will just go  >>>>>slow<<<<<.

Also just had a taste of some bad news right before my birthday. Less of a reason to celebrate. That horrible,horrible news tied down my finances, thus ALSO deterring me from "going all out" on my birthday. On top of that, my return flight to Melbourne was cancelled. A whole lot of money is being wasted to buy new last minute tickets..

I came to Melbourne discreetly, not letting many people know, only a handful, and spend 2 good days alone and with Eddie. Was alone most of the time though, spending a little on food I've missed in Melbourne while giving a few working friends surprise visits to their bakery, cafe...etc.

In a dilemma. I miss my family very much and have an option to go back home for good within 2 months, or waste another 6 months here. Go back home, start on career, & leave a 4 year relationship or stay another 6 months, go back for good & also have a risk of losing a 4 year relationship.

I know the best answer to this, but 4 years to forget, will be like healing from a slit to the throat; death-like and probably need a miracle to recover.

Guys are aplenty. I know. I've dated a few, got together with a few...its hard to find one that I am comfortable with.

Yesterday while playing card games with my friends, seeing my guy friends attacking Eddie, bruising his ego, calling him ball-less for giving me the power to make decisions for him...and him taking it like that, and was not affected at all,my heart felt as if it has liquidfy/melted.

( quite a nice game!! Monopoly card game)

How to find a guy who loves me this much? Who looks out for me, who constantly cares, who ticks out the list of a good boyfriend (except being neat and tidy).

I am not really a good girlfriend material (maybe like Distinction level, not HD - ahaha ^^ ), because my temper is...indescribable.I am literally like a walking time bomb. Just yesterday, I waited 20 minutes for him to come home from work so that we can go out together, around town collecting my birthday freebies...the first stop was to Boost. The queue was long, and he waited with me for 5minutes, and said he can't wait in line with me cause he's too hungry.

I scolded him saying "I WAITED 20MINUTES FOR YOU, AND YOU WAIT 5MINUTES ONLY YOU MAKE NOISE, DON'T HAVE TO WAIT WITH ME LA". I stormed off and went to calm down, while he go buy his "lunch".

After I got my freebies alone,came back home...continued being pissed at him...and he called me to open the fridge. Inside were my favourite cakes and macaroons from my favourite shop. He explained that he couldn't wait with me cause he was worried the shop would close.

Sigh
All good things come to an end?

yumzzzz.

haha stupid picture of him lazing behind me,watching shows.

Sigh, tough decisions.