of Life and Acceptance. (depressing post alert)

Time is flying. The more we fear , the faster it move.

Eddie just got his lump all cut out yesterday, and he called me today but it was a short call. Barely 5 seconds. He just called to tell me that he has done the surgery, and needed some rest. Will call me once he's better.

I am glad his surgery all went well.

But theres this two other thing that has been bugging me.

I am at risk of losing both my paternal grandparents.

Just last year, in the month of December, I just had the worst death I came across, that is the death of my maternal grandmother.

Guess when you are growing older, you learn to understand death, and how you know you have to face it one day, and how many other deaths to come...and the older you grow, the more closer they are related to you.

For example, 10 years ago, my great grandmother passed away, but I felt nothing, because shes not that close to me, furthermore, I was too young to understand. I didn't even know how it happened. All I know was one morning, my great grandmother's indonesian maid was screaming hysterically, and by noon time, a grand funeral ritual take place.

But I saw how my maternal grandmother suffer until her last breath, and how they say it was from her past karma. I am 22 almost 23 now, and I understand how I can never see them ever again.

My grandfather's leg was amputated 2 years ago. He can't walk and so everyday , we see his condition deteriorate. He has diabetes. His face is swollen, and his Alzheimer is attacking.

For my grandmother, she fell down just 2- 3 weeks ago. Sprained her spinal cord, and now she's bedridden. Because she has diabetes, her internal organs would only get worse. And as I hear from my cousins and mom..the one I dig news out from everyday, she thinks shes able to walk again one day. Isn't it saddening that no one dare to break the news to her, saying that she has a very high percentage of not getting well, and my dad says if she cannot sit up soon, she would live shorter than my grandfather!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my grandmother a lot. I don't know what she has done in her past life, she seems to suffer a lot this life. My grandfather marrying a second wife, hurting her deeply, her daughters all seems to be nothing but disappointment, and so is her favourite son...the one that over and over again shatter her heart.

And now she is bedridden. She was still able to walk early this year, and I remember her punching me hard on the face during Chinese New Year until my vision got blurry. I always think she has at least 5 more years to live, but then again, things come unexpectedly. My maternal grandmother can walk and talk a lot early last year and pass away end of last year, which was DAMN sudden.

Why? Can I have a break from all these? At least don't take both of them at once.. it will be like a triple blow. My grandmother braved herself to visit my maternal grandmother's funeral at Penang last year, which not many old people dare to see.

My mom seems to have been really immune to deaths. No doubt, she has faced more deaths and funeral than me, how much more do I have to see before I accept it as something that comes and goes?

No wonder some people say the real torture is when you're alive.

I LOVE MY GRANDMOTHER! :( sigh.