The story behind "The Fat Bitch"..

If you all haven't seen my old photos, beware! If you did, and still came back, thank goodness.

I already told people, as a kid, I was really fat and ugly. Other words that was spit on me was "stinky, porky, gross, oily, greasy,dirty ..." and the list goes on.

I admit I was fat, ugly, and maybe oily/greasy, cause in school, who doesn't sweat and in the end look oily in return? BUT ...

I NEVER STUNK eventhough I was fat. Come on, I know the existence of personal hygiene, or at least , the deodorant..Even though I was clueless about all the latest fashion, hairstyles.. doesn't mean that I don't bathe, and that it leads me to being gross, and hence, a social outcast.

People generally like to associate stinky and fat together. As long as you're fat, you're smelly.

I remember this person, who's B.O. was mighty strong, especially after sports class, yet no one said a thing, and fingers were all pointed at me. As long as the class stink, I'm the culprit. When someone accidentally farted out loudly, it's "me".

No one even want to sit beside me, and you know how I know? They shout to the whole class "TEACHER, I DON'T WANT TO SIT BESIDE MICHELLE". It's not only they do not care about how I feel, its also a "must" to announce that out loud, so that other people won't classify them as the same type of person as me.

Of course being teachers, they will say "CANNOT CHANGE YOUR SEATS THAT ARE ASSIGNED TO YOU."

You know what everyone does when they are being forced to sit beside me? They just pull their table closer to them, at least 1 short ruler (15cm) away from me. Both left and right, if I get the middle seat.

Can you imagine how it looked? Just my row (not front and not back), the tables are all apart? They don't want their tables to even touch mine.

Every time, I'm the butt of everyone's insults. Not jokes because they're not even funny. It hurted so super horribly that I had emotional breakdown a few times and never wanted to go school.

My parents doesn't know. I kept begging them to transfer me to another school, but my pleas were ignored because they think I want to change for the fun of it. I hid all these from them cause I was even embarassed to tell them that such things happened and was happening to me that time.

My results suffered greatly, and was scolded badly, because I was stupid.

I was even bullied by 2 gangs of people, especially during lunch and break time. 1 year my junior, and 1 year my senior. They push me around, come up to me just to call me fat and ask me WHY? taunting me to stop eating.every.single.day.in.school.

There's this one time when I'm minding my own business climbing this small hillock in the field, the senior gang took stones and was throwing them at me. Was I really such an eye-sore? I never dared to climb that hillock since. Nor even dare to go to the fields. My safe spot was the library, hidden in one corner, with a book covering my face.

Believe it or not, the only friends I had was net friends. Friends I met in ICQ, those people that randomly add other people. That was how fucking sad my life was. Only in the cyber world did I feel welcome. But I wasn't myself. I created another identity. My second life. I was a big eyed, 165cm and 50kg girl.

I hate it when the topic to exchange photos pops out. I always have to use the same reason "I don't have a scanner". Which is partly true, but more to the fact that I cannot show myself to the world. I even tore my own photos before cause it looked fat and ugly, and even ran off and cried when my mom show my other relatives my I.C. photo.

The turning point was during 13 years old. When the whole class and I learnt this new vocabulary word, "obese", during English period. Someone ask my English teacher what it meant, and she said " a very fat person".

Immediately the whole class shouted my name in unison. Usually, we are suppose to make a sentence after learning a new word, and apparently, the only name they knew to make sentence with that word was "Michelle". The whole time, I just smiled everything off. I was actually feeling alright, though slightly hurt, but at least, people acknowledged my existence.

But it angered my teacher. Until now I still remember her name, Mrs. Khoo. Year 2000. During Form1. She scolded and screamed at the whole class except me, explaining to them that I'm born unlucky, to have low metabolism rate, not because I eat a lot. She told the class that she believes when I grow up, I will be slim and pretty, and might even stand the chance to join the Miss World beauty pageants. I beamed, for the very first time, that a person have such confidence in me.

Then a guy had the cheek to shout "IMPOSSIBLE" on top of his lungs, and the class laughed along. That's when I decided that, I've got to prove him and everyone wrong, and Mrs. Khoo, right.

I went home, and seek help from my dad, a doctor. Even he was not supportive at all. He said to me "You're going to be like your uncle. 10 years ago, he said he was going to lose weight.Until now, he's still fat." It's the exact words. I can still remember it ever so clearly.

It was not the reply that I was expecting. I was mad instead and challenged him, hence with the bet that if I lose 10kgs, he will give me RM1000. I started exercising and dieting at year end holidays.

All these happened when I was 12 and 13. Before PANDA and I became close friends. My close primary friends, all left for another high school. Those that were okay-close to me, because "the popular gang" hates me, all of them wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me.

At 14, I got demoted to the last class, the same class as PANDA because my results sucked. Thats when we got closer.

And at 15, the whole saga repeats itself again, when I got promoted to the second class...with the same old people that somehow couldn't bear the sight of me, nor the thought of being in the same class as me. I did lose some weight that time, but was still considered fat and thus, rejected.

So, I did go to school, but skipped my own class, to go to the last class to find PANDA and another friend (who's now my ex friend). Many times I was chased out by the teacher cause I'm not a student of the last class,but I ran to the toilet and hid instead because there are surveillance camera around my school.

I even begged my class teacher to demote me back to the last class, but he refused, because he said that I will become lazier if I were to mix with the last class people. So, my results sucked again..as I spent most of my time in the last class, and also the toilet. I skipped so many classes until the second class people forgot I belonged there.

Because of those bitter (no sweet at all) times during my high school, I sometimes have confidence issues till now. Hate that. I hate my childhood.

When I told my first boyfriend (at 17), I cried, expecting him to not look at me the same way again, but he was very accepting. He is the first person to ever know this story behind me.

Thinking that boyfriends will love us nevertheless, I tried to tell my second boyfriend. I got the total opposite reaction. He didn't even want to know the story because he said he will feel grossed out and can't imagine he was dating a girl who was once that fat.

Honestly, fat...is an understatement throughout my whole post. And I did tear a little while writing this,but not as much as the first time. I was practically sobbing my eyes out on the phone with my first boyfriend, choking on my own tears.

Third boyfriend, Eddie. The only boyfriend whom I dare to tell-it-all, inclusive of pictures. But I'm more opened to the past now, because I think I came quite far, and enough of hiding.

I do not want people to suddenly jump to my boyfriend, trying to blackmail me, and scare the shits out of him. Believe me, by just being fat, you'll get quite a number of enemies..haters, or people who just want to bring you down. Especially when you were fatter and uglier, and suddenly became hotter. I would want to tell my boyfriend first hand, rather than hearing them from someone else.

Some people do not even believe I was that girl before.

So this sums my childhood, and I'm GLAD it had made me immune to all kinds of insults or emotional abuse. Because of those that had happened, I am now stronger.

P.S. On a brighter note, I've put music on my blog. My all time favourite songs. Enjoy! or just press the pause button to shut it up :)!

P.S.S: R.I.P STEPHEN GATELY, MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE BOYZONE MEMBER.